This is why they don't let me out in public.

The hazards of coming back to your Small City are numerous. Many of these hazards can really be boiled down, for me, to "YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S EYES ARE EVERYWHERE" or, for the goy, "why aren't you married yet? I CAN SEE YOU! I CAN SEE YOU WILLFULLY NOT BEING MARRIED OVER THERE."

Other hazardous situations: running into old high school teachers in the grocery store but not being sure if they remember you. Not being as motivated to find Cool Things To Do because you're already So Over This Town. Feeling like you're 12.

Or, as tonight illustrated: going out and seeing random people you grew up with but with whom you now have a murky and difficult to define relationship that you feel should maybe be a friendship but it's not like you know each other or anything it's more, "Holy crap! We did high school theater together!" or, you know, "holy crap - I HAD A CRUSH ON YOU IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL! You were so rebellious!" or even, "holy crap - I had a crush on YOU, TOO in elementary school...no seriously. I think I dooodled your name with a heart around it. I hope you cannot see that in my expression. This one time, I took YOUR school picture and ANDY'S school picture and I taped them to different soccer statues and pretended that they were you guys and you were my boyfriends which, REALLY, was kind of creative for a second grader...and also sort of like I built a freaky shrine to you. So...how's that tattoo coming along now...buddy?"

These, my friends, are the hazards of moving back to your small town.

In other news, when we accidentally ended up at this hole-in-the-wall-barbecue-resturaunt-turned-bar tonight, I was pleased. I was doubly pleased because the dude playing SOULFUL ACCOUSTIC GUITAR was totally square-jaw-perfect-teeth-ed and smiled at us. Then he played some more. Soulfully. I bought his CD and we talked about how he met his girlfriend at a college hypnotist's show and then his shirt was a Shakespeare reference and we are totally going to be friends, you don't even know, guys! You don't even know.



Soulful. Acoustic. Guitar.

So, sometimes when my friend Will plays guitar while sitting under trees in quads and things, I go up to him and say stuff like, "Oh, hello ladies. I did not even notice you standing there, ladies, listening to my soulful guitar. I suppose, ladies, if you so choose you can, like, you know, stay and listen. Whatever. I don't care, it's all about the music. I was certainly not playing for you - but more for my soul. You may notice I play the acoustic guitar - I feel it expresses me...soulfully."

This is not exactly the emotion I feel towards Adorable Russell Howard. ARH does not appear to be a douche at all, really.

I think we should, you know, hold hands and talk about our feelings.